my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
