my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
