I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
