so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
