I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize