An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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