drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
