So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
