On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
