the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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