I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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