Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
