I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I faked an abortion last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You are a genius and a whore.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
