I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
