So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
