I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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