I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
