NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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