My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
