My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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