I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
