I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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