its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Well I just put wine in my tea
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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