We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
