He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
