I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
