you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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