so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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