i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
