Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
