piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Randomize
