he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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