Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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