it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
