my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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