When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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