yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
