i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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