I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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