And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize