I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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