We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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