Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
