I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
