i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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