once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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