I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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