my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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