i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
