I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
