fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
