Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
