you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
