my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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