where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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