Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
