Got a toothbrush?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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