You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
