I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
